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After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time. Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in love. Hillary said, "You didn't have sex, did you? Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad." 
Hang in there poor people. Only 2 more years until Democrats pretend to care about you again.
Don't worry about the weather. Things will warm up after all the hot air from the State of the Union speech.
You are so selfish! You're going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one damn night!"
Cop:Sir have you been drinking? Guy:Why is there a fat chick in the back? Cop:Sir are you drunk...? Guy:Why? IS there 2 fat chicks in the back!?
Dear Mother in Law , pls don't teach me how to handle my children. I'm living with one of yours and he sure needs a lot of improvement ;)
The handicap parking at the special olympics must be insane
may contain nuts.
I'm not a reIigious person, I dont believe in a god, but that wont stop me from wishing you all a MERRY CHRlSTMAS!!!
All these people sending prayers to OK. I feel so silly. I only sent money and donated blood.
what f#cking idiot named them jet-skis instead of boatercycles
I use to wake up Grumpy...now I just let her sleep!
Just got my name of the list for the new iPhone 6 due out next month..
Justin Bieber is the Brand Ambassador of sanitary pads.
an iOS6 user walks into a bar...or a bank...or a river...they're not sure, really !
if God intended for man to pick stuff up from the floor, he would have made us shorter than woman...
Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they're panicking over who's next to go.
Really Olive Garden, Unlimited breadsticks? I'll have 20.000 of them. Oh I can't have 20.000? then their not unlimited are they?
When you're walking and texting and you walk slower and slower and slower till you're just standing there texting..
I really tend to have less tolerance of ugly people. 