SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   I really wanna say "let's set up a perimeter," but I really don't want to be in a situation where I'd have to.

   Never fight anyone who bows to you first.

   Just told my Secret Santa I murdered a plumber in Vermont in 1995 or is that not how it works?

   I don't know why I should learn Algebra. I'm never likely to go there.

   Sometimes, the best kind of birth control is just good lighting.

   My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my a$$ tied together..... I sh!t you knot."

   If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn't even be nominated.

   Just so you know, when you repeat what you just said I won't be listening then either.

   We Cant Be Together. It's not you, it's me. I can't be with someone who sucks.

   Bacon. The word alone deserves its own status.

   If an athlete's photographed with a bong it's an embarrassment; if he's photographed with a beer it's an endorsement.

   The LIKE button: also for choosing sides in a Facebook argument without saying anything.

   I bet guys named Matt who take yoga classes get picked on a lot.

   In the dark, it takes several minutes to find the hole and stick it in. Stupid phone charger.

   I imagine rolling around in money feels a lot better when it's not coins

   My hometown is great for sightseeing if you want to see the People of Walmart in their natural habitat.

   Took a career aptitude test. My results: sports team mascot, bridge troll, sign twirler, petting zoo sh!t shoveler.

   Turns out they'll sell a wizard hat to just anybody!

   The world would be a much cleaner place if we just gave blind people brooms instead of canes.

   I just read a list of "100 things to do before you die." I'm surprised "yell for help" didn't make the list.