Funny Status Messages

   "We can still be friends" is like saying "Hey, the dog died but we can keep it"

   NASA's robot Curiosity landed on Mars. Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer and porn, making it very clear that men are not from Mars..

   almost killed today when he fell off a horse. Thank god the walmart employee saw me, came over and unplugged the thing

   sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.

   If your relationship is so complicated that you have to identify it as such on Facebook, you should probably get the hell off Facebook and go fix it.

   met a fairy today who granted me one wish, I want to live forever I said, sorry said the fairy, I am not allowed to grant wishes like that. Fine I said, I want to die when England win the World Cup, 'you crafty b@$t@rd!' said the fairy...

   loves infomercials, but claiming that a product promotes weight loss when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.

   I hate when women say their body is "shaped like a Coke bottle" and fail to mention that bottle is a 3 liter.

   Hey Facebook, thanks for updating the style of your page for the 15th time ... I am really amazed that I get a different segment of the news feed everytime I refresh also. Great job! /endSarcasm

   You can't make the same mistake twice. The second time you make it, it's no longer a mistake. It's a choice.

   My neighbor is either having sex or been building up to sneeze for the last 10 minutes.

   America... the only country in the world where not wearing a seatbelt carries a bigger penalty then murdering your own child.

   Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

   Facebook was the most searched term on Google last month. If you need Google to find Facebook, you shouldn't be using the internet.

   Whenever I'm on the phone with someone I like to scream WAIT DON'T HANG UP right as they're hanging up... then not answer when they call back.

   If Plan A doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.

   If I ever saw someone do some of the things I do, I'd be horrified.

   If a man says something in the woods and there is no woman there to hear him.... is he still wrong?!

   Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it makes me sad that I've never partied that hard.

   Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I've ever made.