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Today is April Fool's Day. Believe nothing, and trust no one. Just like any other day during this election year. 
Sorry coworkers, I can never attend Happy Hour with you because I'm too honest when I drink.
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.
I really think that our Presidential Election is going to be decided by a "Yo Momma" competition on Comedy Central.
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.
Being gay is ok. Being bisexual is ok. Being transgender is ok. Being straight is ok. Wearing crocs....no f*cking ok.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall.
People are so paranoid nowadays. They refuse to answer Knock-Knock jokes until I show some I.D.
Maybe mama duck isn't leading her babies, maybe she's trying to outrun them.
"How do you find anything in here?!" --My mugger, giving my purse back
.... Something isn't wrong because it's Illegal ....... It's Illegal because it's Wrong!
The work day would be so much more fun if it were Casualty Friday
Choose your ex wisely, they’ll be there for the rest of your life.
I'm not complaining... I'm just saying it would be pretty bad ass if boobs were filled with coffee.
And so my friends, this week rings in the 2013 holiday season. Everyone can now begin the time tested, seasonal tradition of turning into complete lunatics.
You could pleasure me just by walking away.
You know you're country, when the smell of a dairy reminds you of Oreos.
Every one should marry because happiness is not the only thing in life...
Married people always ask when you’re getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.
i got distracted by something and missed my ADHD meeting again. 