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Today I caught myself smiling... I was thinking of you... Don't flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you. 
Hide your true colors and let people paint their picture of you.
Looks like OPEC is up to their old tricks again....I had to cash in a few T-Bills and sell off a kidney to fill up my truck this morning!
What's drinking? A mere pause from thinking!
Picking out an appropiate outfit for a Rapture is so frustrating....and I don't even want to get into picking the right accesories...
i dont mind walking past bushes alone on a dark night. What I do mind is when people start jumping out of them
In the show "Get Out," you will see destinations you'll never go to hosted by women who will never sleep with you... in HD.
I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone can handle a bad girl. It's the good girls men should be warned against.
I'm so glad girls haven't figured out the power they wield just by greeting me with "Hey you."
Lets extend a warm 'Welcome Back' to our Blackberry friends who were momentarily lost in the technology wilderness for the past 20 Hours.
I accidentally changed my GPS voice to “Male”. Now it just says “it’s around here somewhere, just keep driving”.
The entire US government defrauds the country on a daily basis, yet there are people who freak out if they're sent a fake profile.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
If you are ever wondering who your real friends are, delete your Facebook account and see who calls.
[Vaccination center] Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Life Coach: Get out there and show the world what you’re made of! Gingerbread Man: Not sure that’s a good idea.
[Restaurant] Waiter: Sir would you care to choose your lobster? Me: There’s only 1 in the tank & he’s holding a sign that says ‘I have a family’ 