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If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague 
wonders what would happen if someone fell down the stairs while leaving an injury lawyers office..
just found out there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken!!!!! I guess there is no point in eating HASH browns is there?
All you get when you pick my pocket is practice...
I'm perfectly imperfect, beautiful in my flaws, sure of my insecurities, absolute chaos...a beautiful disaster.
Remember, A hard punch can often be used as a secret weapon to secure victory in an intellectual debate.
Can't get over the irony that they actually serve milk at "Hooters"
can't stop sneezing because I'm allergic to your BS....
they say eating fish makes you smarter, but the only ones you eat are the ones dumb enough to get caught
says - just when you think all your ducks are in a row, someone comes along and shoots one of them
"The mistakes of the past don't define you... they refine you."
without a doubt the most popular and best looking person using this laptop.
7-11 is developing a new wine.. It's said to pair well with poor life choices and sadness
Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters
What's another word for word?
I sympathize a lot with Darth Vader because he had so much trouble juggling career and family.
Doctors write the prescriptions illegibly so you can't see that it says: "This one had insurance. Don't kill him."
hates when his hand falls asleep, it usually means it's going to be up all night
I drank so much Vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.
I drive safer when there's food on the passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there. 