Funny Status Messages

   My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."

   happy and I knew it and then I clapped my hand, everyone thought I was weirdo :/

   Some people are wise, Some are just other wise.

   There's no law against sticking to your guns, but make sure you've loaded your brain before you start firing off your mouth.

   If I ever lose a hand I'm definitely replacing it with a single nunchuck on a chain

   I offend people in a nice way

   I don't think I should be held responsible for the things I say to fill awkward silences.

   Brexit could be followed by Grexit, Departugal, Italeave, Czechout, Oustria, Finish, Slovakout, Latervia, Byegium. Only Remania will stay.

   Go fund me = internet panhandling

   I watched some of the debate last night...I kept on waiting for someone to say "Live from New York it's Saturday Nite"!!!!! But it never happened.....

   Airport security asked me if I've seen anything unusual...I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich...Let's start with that.

   Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole

   I drank so much Vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.

   I drive safer when there's food on the passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there.

   Why is it....Biggie and Tupac get gunned down but nobody will shoot Kanye West.

   I certainly hope the douche who stole my credit card enjoys his $14.03 shopping spree.

   Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving.......just in case it's an intervention.

   If by "social drinker" you mean I like to drink instead of being social, then yes, I'm a social drinker.

   French toast is regular toast that surrendered.

   Look, all I'm saying is that the dinosaurs didn't drink alcohol and look what happened to them.