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Single guy "I can't do anything right." Married guy "I can't do anything, right?" 
Headed over to this "Toys for Tots" thing today...so how many tots do I have to trade in for a PS4 or an Xbox One?
Tom Brady's balls are under more scrutiny than Ray Rice's fist ever was.
Thank GOD everyone agrees on what color traffic lights are!
The zoo basically has two modes. 1. Lazy sleepy animals. 2. Hard core porn
She is called a Bronze digger: when she has low standards.
the NY Giants should mentor Ray Rice they wont be beating anyone this season
Where is Capt HUG A THUG when you need him aka Rev Al Not to sharpton
Britney Spears is set to make $19 million from her latest gigs in Las Vegas. Officially, this makes her the highest paid mime artist of all time.
I taught my neighbors kid how to trick or treat online, hopefully she puts her mothers credit card back!
The winner of the Scripps National Spelling Bee is awarded an engraved trophy... The loser is given an ingraived plack.
Used to work at a funeral home, and whenever I called out sick I always felt like I was leading them on.
We could learn a lot from our dogs.... If you can't eat it or play with it, pee on it and walk away
The date I had last night didn't go very well. She called me immature. But its okay. She has cooties anyway. :-P
Nothing says ego trip like knowing you're completely unqualified yet still running for president.
Separating the men from the boys, one mood swing at a time.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat, then I remember they just feed off attention.
Going to: ❒ Paris ❒ New York ❒ London ✔ KITCHEN, I'm hungry
My get up and go attitude got up and left me
I find humor in everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at 