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thinks my doctor's waiting room needs some music... and better lighting... and more women... and a pole in the middle of the room... and a buffet. 
A new medical study reports that men who eat ten pizzas a week are less likely to develop prostate problems at age 50. That`s because they are usually dead by age 40
When I go to Mexican restaurants I order a glass of water, eat all of the chips and salsa and walk out without paying.
moonwalking away after mugging someone because you're a smooth criminal
GHETTO WORD OF THE DAY: OMELETTE- "Imma punch fit what you jes said, but OMELETTE this one go this time.
If a mute kid swears,does his mother wash his hands out with soap?
if love is blind,how does it happen at 1st sight???
thinking about building a house made of unopened Bud Light cans and bottles....[The commercial inspired me]
-- I come from a long line of Conga dancers.....
find that job you love and never work a day in your life
Dear Mr. guy that honks his horn right when the light turns green, it's not gonna work so well when I rip it out and shove it down your throat!
- My wife said she is going to leave me if I dont stop my bad habbits. I nearly choked on my toe nail.
My Girlfriend told me to help her find a job that shows off her best qualities. I got her an application for Subway.
There are no winners in Monopoly... only quitters and cheaters.
Telling my nephew that leprechauns store their gold in electrical sockets and that he'd need a fork to get it out probably wasn't a good idea.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll have sex with me
What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire?
"Is that your dog?".... "No, actually she's adopted... We were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves"
Dear New User; Facebook is a revolutionary platform. Don't bring your Twitter tendencies here. Here you are either funny and witty or you go back to Twitter.
Christmas trees are like boobs. Fake ones are nice to look at, but real ones are better. 