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When asked about ISIS yesterday, Obama said, "We will double our efforts..." Hmmm... If my math is correct... Nothing x Nothing is still Nothing! 
Simba was walking too slow, so I told him to Mu-FASA
It's amazing how dudes can take care of Jordan's, but can't take care of a woman.
I hate when women don't have any pictures showing how her butt looks. How else am I going to know if I want to talk to you?
not a complete idiot, some pieces are missing!
I wish the bags under my eyes had weed in them.
BF slid his hand in my panties & thinks I'm instantly turned on but I don't have the heart to tell him I sneezed earlier & peed myself a bit
"when I made the dress I used gold and white fabric" - Brian Williams
just passed a Leopluradon on his/her way to Candy Mountain
It hurts me to see your "I'm in a relationship" status on Facebook, how could you choose your toys over me! I HOPE YOUR BATTERIES DIE! >:(
What's the definition of a missed opportunity? Not introducing Michael Jackson to Justin bieber before he died.
My wife and I have sex DOGGY STYLE..... I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead!
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in: I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Sweet Jesus Christ. If I send you a text it's because I don't WANT you to call me.
Cops sent me a picture of me speeding through a red light so I sent them a picture of a check. Hope we're even
Hey, don't worry the 'too young' dude got himself a new helmet. He'll be ok once it loosens up
I was gonna buy a copy of 'The Power of Positive Thinking', and then I thought, what good would that do?
Don't do drugs kids. There is a time and place for everything. It's called college.
I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
reminded my buddy to let his faucet drip...forgot he had gonorrhea...another awkward moment brought to you by STD's... 