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Ever notice it's only "stalking" if the person doing the stalking is unattractive. 
I'm just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman's mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. Time.
Sometimes, I wonder if the weather app on my phone even looks outside.
I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.
You had me at 0 mutual friends
Winning a fight with your wife, is like winning a vacation to Detroit... Don't get too excited
You play the victim so well, I'm surprise you don't carry around your own piece of chalk.
If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
The best thing about Valentine's Day is that it's over.
Let's start a charity where we give cats to people who say goodnight to social networking sites.
At my age, Friends with Insurance Benefits sounds just as appealing.
I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Some people grunt at the gym; I scream at the top of my lungs THEY KILLED MY FAMILY as I lift weights.
Golf ball sized hail wouldn't be so destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.Do I have to think of everything?!
The AMA does NOT reward talented MUSICIANS for making remarkable music, it rewards ENTERTAINERS for entertaining the easily entertained.
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume
8 year old kids today have Facebook, twitter, phones, iPod. When I was there age, I had a coloring book, crayons, chalk, and imagination.
Ladies: guys don't care if the carpet matches the drapes as long as there is no rug on the back porch. 