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I must have an amazing Butt because every time I walk away from someone they say ... "What an ass." 
If you watch "My Cousin Vinny" 12 times in a calendar year, you receive a law degree from the University of Phoenix.
I've spotted six Pokémon today but I don't have the game so I may need new meds...
I'd imagine Ryan Lochte's next move will be the backstroke.
my boss told me today if their was an award for laziness I would win it,i told him "if I do win it I'm gonna need you to go accept it on my behalf.
We don't know if Mary ever made Jesus turn her water into wine because there wasn't social media back then for Moms to talk about wine on.
I'm playing fast and loose with milk expiration dates. This day could go anywhere.
Cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, Little boy blue and the man in the moon, When you coming home, Son?!?! When you stop talking crazy, Dad.
Gameshow Fact: Every time a girl buys "a D",,, Pat hip-thrusts off camera.
Props to all the women who don't have to dress like a slut to get attention from men, stay classy... The rest of you come with me...
Despite always being pictured as old men most "Founding Fathers" were actually young men during their historic roles in 1776. Alexander Hamilton was 21, Madison was 25, James Monroe was 18, and Thomas Jefferson was 33!!!
Hey Moms and Dads! Here's a fun game to play: When your kid gets home from school, be lying on the floor screaming in pain, "YOU STEPPED ON A CRACK!"
Just sprayed "Sheer White Cotton" air freshener in the bathroom. Now, it smells like sheet.
Just ordered "coffee" off the Starbucks secret menu.
How long can I stay in a voting booth and scream "I'M STILL THINKING!!!!" before I'm physically removed? Let me know by November.
Since the NSA knows my porn preferences, maybe they can suggest some new content.
Today is Earth Day. The best way celebrate it just came to me. I'm going to go outside and stare at the ground for a while.
When you like someone but they want you to meet their friend, it's kind of like when you ask for a Coke and the waiter says "Is Pepsi OK?"
Turkish ruler Erdogan was at the White House this week. Sources say he arrived very early so he could beat the crowd.
The world overdosing on stupidity, having already destroyed the antidote. 