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Life doesn’t hand me lemons, it fires them at me rapidly from a lemon cannon. 
There were no Tide pods back in my day....we just ate it by the scoop like maniacs
I only have 2 regrets in life. Some girls I wished I slept with and some girls I wish I hadn't!
Me: "I'm disappointed with my life." Life: "The feeling is mutual."
Knowledge is knowing what to say. Wisdom is knowing when to say it.
I remember with fondness what grandpa used to always say at family reunions. He'd shout, "WHAT THE HELL'S A KLONDIKE BAR?"
In Game of Thrones, how Cersei felt during the walk of shame is how I feel using a CoinStar in front of everyone in the grocery store.
Any relationship can be a long distance relationship if you run away.
When I start to forget things in old age, I hope it’s the Kardashians and Hot Tub Time Machine 2, not my address or where to pee.
Sitting by the dock of the....OMG look how good my reflection looks in the water.
Dear U.S. Representatives. Next time, instead of a "sit in", threaten a "SH*T IN". Let's see how they like them apples.
Some Warning Labels are a little stupid, like on my Deodorant it says, "Avoid Contact with Eyes"....TOO LATE, I've already seen it!!!
The United Kingdom will exit the European Union and have agreed to start seeing other countries, like the United States.
"That guy in the salmon colored shorts is getting laid tonight." -Said no woman ever
When Attorney General Loretta Lynch was testifying in court about her secret meeting with Hillary's husband, I was struck by the irony of the fact that she was appointed Attorney General to arrest people like Loretta Lynch.
I must have an amazing Butt because every time I walk away from someone they say ... "What an ass."
If you watch "My Cousin Vinny" 12 times in a calendar year, you receive a law degree from the University of Phoenix.
I've spotted six Pokémon today but I don't have the game so I may need new meds...
I'd imagine Ryan Lochte's next move will be the backstroke.
my boss told me today if their was an award for laziness I would win it,i told him "if I do win it I'm gonna need you to go accept it on my behalf. 