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Life doesn’t hand me lemons, it fires them at me rapidly from a lemon cannon. 
There were no Tide pods back in my day....we just ate it by the scoop like maniacs
I only have 2 regrets in life. Some girls I wished I slept with and some girls I wish I hadn't!
Me: "I'm disappointed with my life." Life: "The feeling is mutual."
Knowledge is knowing what to say. Wisdom is knowing when to say it.
I remember with fondness what grandpa used to always say at family reunions. He'd shout, "WHAT THE HELL'S A KLONDIKE BAR?"
Leaving the house, I put on a mask, sunglasses, a hat and headphones. You guys, I think I’ve turned into Mr. Potato Head.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.” Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
If we don't stop socializing to slow the Coronavirus we need to start thinking about what kind of world will leave behind for Keith Richards.
"How about a scarf?" - Johnny Depp's stylist every day!
When I was young I could climb mountains. Now, I have to steady myself to fart.
If you’re approaching a 5th wipe you should just take a shower.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you! Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
I didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we're okay...
I used to wonder why scuba divers fell backwards into the water. Then I realized if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard. So, just me? Okay.
I’m just glad election week is over ...
GI joe is short for gastrointestinal joseph. 