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George Lucas is going to remake a Country & Western version of Star Wars. The theme song will be called "Looking for Love in Alderaan Places." 
I hate when peeps say "Be Pacific"... Okay dumb @$$ and you be Atlantic.
Having sex while listening to music would have been a lot more awkward in the 1500's.
I'm afraid if I start working out I'll be too sexy
Ask-hole: Someone who constantly asks for advice then does the opposite of what you told them.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. That's all.
Confucius said: "To be old and wise, you first have to be young and stupid."
Autocorrect can be your best friend or your worst enema.
Leaving the house, I put on a mask, sunglasses, a hat and headphones. You guys, I think I’ve turned into Mr. Potato Head.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.” Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
If we don't stop socializing to slow the Coronavirus we need to start thinking about what kind of world will leave behind for Keith Richards.
"How about a scarf?" - Johnny Depp's stylist every day!
When I was young I could climb mountains. Now, I have to steady myself to fart.
If you’re approaching a 5th wipe you should just take a shower.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you! Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
I didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we're okay...
I used to wonder why scuba divers fell backwards into the water. Then I realized if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard. So, just me? Okay. 