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Ghetto Word of the Day: Window “Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don't know window”. 
And Stonner Duudde is stealing from Marshell, who's stealing from Dane cook! Stop the madness!
I spend 500% of my life exaggerating!
I'm sweating like Jerry Sandusky at a Boy Scout camp.
A: I forgot my glasses, I can't read sh*t! B: You're not supposed to read sh*t, you're supposed to read books… Unless you're a Twilight fan. Then you read sh*t!
Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.
You know, when you think about it, based on her color and size Snookie would make a great buoy.
I took 3 years of college chemistry and never once learned how to cook meth so don't tell me about your disappointments.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold, but they also say revenge is sweet. I think what they're trying to say is revenge is ice cream
If gay couple want to get married and be just as miserable as straight couples, let'em.
Son: Dad, what's a hypocrite?.... Me: It's when an idiot wants to change the name of a football team while putting Aunt Jemima syrup on waffles.
Breaking News : The Army has been in contact with Tom Brady for advice on how to deflate the lost blimp.
Can someone's face be a pet peeve?
People tend to hurry up at the ATM if you stand behind them with an erection. Just saying.
The difference between what you say and who you are is what you do.
The fact that Jay Z scored Beyonce tells me we all have a shot at love, no matter what we look like.
My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."
My Laptop should come with a breathalyzer so I can't post anything after 3 glasses of wine
I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Don't run with scissors -- unless you're stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief! 