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On a scale of 1 to 10, how married are you? 
Never mix Vi@gra with Iron supplements. They cause you spin around and point North.
Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom
Here's to the moments when we throw caution out of the window, cross our fingers and hoped for the best.
Weird to think some people will have the word "cantaloupe" in their obituary.
Teenagers are people who express a burning desire to be different by dressing exactly alike.
My greatest fear is that I will accidentally use the status update as the search bar.
I will type my name begining with an I in my status in honor of Steve Jobs
“I can neither confirm or deny…” In my book, that's a yes.
how do beautiful people travel? Because they certainly don't appear to be using airports.
My attention has no span.
Facebook is starting to remind me of my ex-wife... throwing things I said years ago back in my face.
I noticed the storm track seems to be somewhere between the moon and New York City!
A friend is someone who borrows your stuff and gives it back. A best friend is someone who has a closet full of your stuff which they don't intend on giving back.
Do you know what chairs think about all day? Oh great here comes another a**hole.
Take this Charlie Sheen: Ebay just told me I'm "winning!"
It's bad enough when a friend says.."Hold my beer while I try this.."..but when your Doctor says that???
I was raised to believe that excellence is the best deterrent to racism or sexism
Ironically, I gain my very own instant gratification by denying yours.
They say good things come to those who wait, so it looks like ima be bout an hour late ;) 