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I swear to God, if Bill Gates had a dollar for everytime I have to reboot my computer...Oh, wait. He does. :( 
America is at war with al qaeda, but we're still losing the war against Al Sharpton!
Dont buy condoms at BP gas stations, they may burst and result in a leak...
Nothing pisses me off like a bird WALKING across a street. No it's cool. I'll wait. BTW You can FLY dumbass!
should not be mistaken for Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, just because there appears to be a large package in his pants.
Applied to be a Porn Star...Was told I'm over qualified.
this cold weather doesn't bother me. It's the weaklings who b!tch about it that get on my nerves.
hates the seat warmers in the car it makes me feel like I peed my pants, wait I didn't turn on the seat warmers today, DAMMMITT!!
believes in "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It" - quoting a military scholar
Ur attempts to make me jealous are hilarious and unsuccesful.
now friends with 'cold beer' and '11 other cold beers.'
The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments.
DODGY EMAIL WARNING! Do not under any circumstances open any email you receive which says 'two free tickets to see Arsenal". It contains two free tickets to see Arsenal. Please pass it on.
While eating dinner I dropped food on my napkin by accident and caught myself licking it off. What the hell is wrong with me?
next time you go through the drive-thru at McD, order a burger and say "can you please hold the pickle" in a sexy voice... trust me, it's worth it!
In 50 years, a bunch of 80 year-olds will know all the words to Ice Ice Baby.
Sales of Lady Gaga's newest CD have dropped 85% in the second week. As people have started actually listening to it.
You know what they say about a man and his feet. And that's why I don't find my fear of being raped by a clown irrational.
I used to think it was fine to eat Taco Bell twice in one week... I sit corrected.
not pleased with the results of Googling myself. 