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With my luck, I'll get into a terrible car accident while wearing my "period underwear." 
I'm so disappointed that a group of squid isn't called a squad.
The average soccer player is 5'8" and 150 lbs. That's not a professional athelete, that's a 12 y/o in America!!
Shout out to all the deadbeat dads and sperm donors this Father's Day. Unbeknownst to you, there are kids everywhere that are becoming AMAZING PEOPLE because they want to be nothing like you.
has 2,993 people on her mind today. R.I.P the 9/11 victims x
repairing a huge hole in my living room wall, Damn You, Kool-Aid man...
I saw a girl with "GUESS" on her shirt. I said "fake?". she slapped me!!
still waiting for that change.....
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don't check their phone for 3+ hours.
I'll always remember the last words my dad said to me before he passed away. "What are you doing with that gun?"
My doctor told me not to lift anything heavy... So now I sit down to pee.
Remember guys, while your checking some other girl out, someone else is checking out your girl. Appreciate what you have, or someone else will.
Save as: "fjhdsk" ... The file "fjhdsk" already exists ... "fjhdsk 2".
would give her right arm to be ambidextrous
I hate seeing people who owe me money post pics of all they bought on Black friday
May the millions of lights that shine today light up your life with endless prosperity, good fortune and joy. Sending you and your family warmest wishes for a wonderful and happy Diwali, from India
Sarah Palin must be looking at Michele Bachmann and feeling the way the Jonas Brothers felt about Justin Bieber.
Got pulled over by the cops today and he ask me if I had a police record ..... I said yes ....every breath you take and don't stand so close to me........ Now what is my lawyer phone number
"I ain't even trying to wave at you, I've got better things to do with my hands" oh bad girls club you never cease to entertain
I'm thinking about going out tonight, because the Beastie Boys fought and nearly died for my right to party... 