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I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine…one, three, five, seven, nine.” I thought to myself, “How odd.” 
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport. They have a budget of $430,000...
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined Me: no
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don't get blown away.
Diet Journal, day 99: Going well. Lost 4 lbs already and the neighbor's daschunds are looking less like chocolate eclairs...
I did a little studying on Einstein's theory of relativity. I discovered that I am not related to him. . .
Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn't even have a cape.
*God creating dogs,, GOD: These will be great companions for people... ANGEL: An excellent creation sir... GOD: But better than people.. Just, WAY better... esp. during election season
Childhood is just the ‘free trial’ edition of life. When it ends, you have to pay for the full version or else you’ll lose everything.
I hope that wherever my missing socks end up, they're happy. That's what really matters.
I don't dwell on past mistakes. I have family for that.
Carrie Fisher will forever stake claim on the title of Best Buns.
Life was a lot easier when I believed in Santa Claus. . .
♫ All in all, it’s just a… nother post on my wall. ♫
Tip for next month: Celebrate Valentines Day responsibly, or you'll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward
Houston we have a ball game
Never think of yourself as worthless. Organs go for a lot of money on the black market.
Ive started reading my boys facebook statuses at night instead of bedtime stories, so they'll understand the importance of an education.....
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when you first dating? Well, after 30 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
I wish I could feel as happy as an adult,, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the TV during class 