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ME: these fireworks are so quiet WIFE: those are palm trees 
Just sold a lawnmower on Craigslist...last time my neighbor will wake me up on a Saturday morning!
Bad decision: Saying come in to a Jehovah Witness at your door.
Why must we end rivers flowing into the pacific ocean?
Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
No one ever tell you about the amount of heavy cleaning involved in a successful career as a serial killer.
I smoke weed on my porch as a warning to all the other weeds
Thanks to synonyms, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned," and "Sorry Daddy, I've been naughty," both mean the same thing.
Q: When can women make you a millionaire? A: When you're a billionaire.
FOUR STAGES OF A MANS LIFE :
1. You believe in santa.
2. You don't believe in santa.
3. You are santa.
4. You look like santa.
Don't tell me what type of pill it is. I like to be surprised.
I haven't failed, I just found several ways it won't work.
If you didn't participate in the 10 year challenge. Then you have a PhD in maturity
Just once in my life I'd love to make just the perfect amount of spaghetti for myself. Anyways, if you're hungry come on over. And bring like five friends.
How embarrassing. First day of Chinese New Year, and I just wrote "Dog" on a check instead of "Pig".
Beer bottle: "Break me and you get one year bad luck." Mirror: "Are you kidding, break me you get seven years bad luck." Condom: Ha ha ha, and walks away.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch... And then eat seven dinners.
My noise reduction feature on my new hearing aid dosen't work..... I can still hear my wife yapping.
I'm too old to be uncomfortable on purpose.
Shoutout to the guy driving the BMW who gave me the finger after I honked at you. Your cell phone's on top of your car! 