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You wanna sum up how screwed up 2020 is? It’s April 15th, and the IRS just sent us all money! 
HELP, I'm out of booze, and sobering up.
I'm at a The Clash concert and I'm not too sure if I'm enjoying it.. Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
The most unrealistic part of The Harry Potter books is that teenage boys have an invisibility cloak but aren’t constantly using it to watch the girls of Hogwarts when they are naked in the showers.
Had the fencing guys out working today putting up a Chain-link fence. Lets see them mosquitoes get in the yard now .
In an effort to be sensitive to the current atmosphere. Wild Cherry has changed the name of their 1970's hit to simply "Play us an upbeat song Cracker".
Nobody: Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
2020 has really changed me, but not completely. For example, I haven’t showered in 3 days, but I still silently judge stinky people
"Name 1 thing you want to try in the bedroom" Her: "Getting a full 8hrs of sleep"
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Think my cat might be depressed. She just told me she's thinking about getting a cat.
I’m not superstitious but I am a little stitious.
I'm so ugly, when I play Mortal Combat, Scorpion tells me "Stay Over There!".
does anyone remember when lol meant “laughing out loud” instead of “this is to indicate that this brief text isnt hostile”
If you want me to leave my house I need three days notice.
Alcohol...because people annoy me but I'm also lonely
Personal care products for men: This bottle contains body gel, shampoo, conditioner and moisterizer. For women: This bottle contains treatment for your left knee. For right knee products, check Aisle 7.
Mint julep or tequila? Happy Kentucky de Mayo!!! 