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Legally changing my name to How To Tie a Tie so it's nearly impossible for my employers to google me 
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Starting to suspect I was bitten by a radioactive idiot
Police: Where you going? Me: With you once you run my name !
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
At least with all the pick-up and. four wheel drives in Texas they shouldn't have much trouble driving in the snow.
You know the pot holes are ridiculous when it effn looks like the pot hole may lead to underground parking......and another wheel alignment.
Thanks to synonyms, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned," and "Sorry Daddy, I've been naughty," both mean the same thing.
Q: When can women make you a millionaire? A: When you're a billionaire.
FOUR STAGES OF A MANS LIFE :
1. You believe in santa.
2. You don't believe in santa.
3. You are santa.
4. You look like santa.
Don't tell me what type of pill it is. I like to be surprised.
I haven't failed, I just found several ways it won't work.
If you didn't participate in the 10 year challenge. Then you have a PhD in maturity
Just once in my life I'd love to make just the perfect amount of spaghetti for myself. Anyways, if you're hungry come on over. And bring like five friends.
How embarrassing. First day of Chinese New Year, and I just wrote "Dog" on a check instead of "Pig".
Beer bottle: "Break me and you get one year bad luck." Mirror: "Are you kidding, break me you get seven years bad luck." Condom: Ha ha ha, and walks away.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch... And then eat seven dinners.
My noise reduction feature on my new hearing aid dosen't work..... I can still hear my wife yapping.
I'm too old to be uncomfortable on purpose.
Shoutout to the guy driving the BMW who gave me the finger after I honked at you. Your cell phone's on top of your car! 