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Tip for next month: Celebrate Valentines Day responsibly, or you'll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward 
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals......
Houston we have a ball game
Never think of yourself as worthless. Organs go for a lot of money on the black market.
Ive started reading my boys facebook statuses at night instead of bedtime stories, so they'll understand the importance of an education.....
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when you first dating? Well, after 30 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
I wish I could feel as happy as an adult,, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the TV during class
It's all fun and games until someone brings out Monopoly.....
My coffee pot screamed my name this morning as it spurted its hot liquid inside the carafe.
You know you’re ugly, when you can’t even get poked on FB.
Social media is perfect when you're feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Never laugh at your wife's choices. You are one of them.
A man's home is his castle. Untill the queen comes home.
Don't change to get people to like you. Be your self and they will respect you.
The only way a person can lose is if he doesn't try and according to my wife, I'm one of the most trying person she has ever known.
Man to a super cute air hostess : Whats your name? Air Hostess: Eva Benz Man: Lovely name, any relationship with Mercedes Benz? Air Hostess: Our Maintenance cost is the same
It's a good thing Apple wasn't in charge of Calender years. Otheriwise We'd all be expecting 2018 and get 2018S instead
The government and a duck have something in common. They both can stick their bills up their (_|_) :)
As a country we should let our children lead us into the future. Mine just made a pop-tart sandwich.
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today. 