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Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each. 
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
When I die I want why tombstone to offer free wifi so that people will connect to me often
Legally changing my name to How To Tie a Tie so it's nearly impossible for my employers to google me
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Starting to suspect I was bitten by a radioactive idiot
Police: Where you going? Me: With you once you run my name !
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
At least with all the pick-up and. four wheel drives in Texas they shouldn't have much trouble driving in the snow.
You know the pot holes are ridiculous when it effn looks like the pot hole may lead to underground parking......and another wheel alignment.
Not sure what it is but the older I get, the smarter my Dad gets....
Sick & Tired of pants and responsibilities.
Love going on brewery tours. It's fun watching drunk people pretend to understand science.
Looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.
Just tried natural peanut butter. My week is off to a horrible start.
This is not how to one chooses the most important person of the country. With a knot in the throat that wouldn't go down. It's always a fight to chose the lesser evil. Why can't it be the other way
There are only two seasons in America: Flu and Mosquito.
Political posts on facebook actually makes me miss Farmville requests and pictures of cats and dogs :)
If you eat a dozen donuts quickly enough you can feel your soul hug you.
Larry David is somewhere sheading a tear that he won't be playing Bernie Sanders for the next 4 years on SNL. 