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I love you but I'm too lazy to show it. 
I've done a lot of stupid shit in my life, but at least I've never signed up at the gym in january.
I went to that "Farmer's Dating" website I saw on TV....why do all the women look like sheep??
Today's relationships can be ended by a simple "Like" on Facebook.
My wife told me to change my kid’s diaper, but we were at a crowded playground and it was SO much easier to just change kids instead.
wife doesn't understand the home improvement and beer monies come from the same budget
The only footsteps I would follow are those of a landmine deactivation technician...
kind of liking the new ads on Facebook!! said by no one...
When a woman asks you to come over and hang out, it doesn't mean sex. She just wants to talk about every guy she's liked that isn't you.
I never forget a breast, I mean face. I never forget a face.
So you constantly feel sorry for yourself and feel the need to tell everyone all about it. I can’t imagine why he left you.
I'll start believing porn story lines as soon as a dog jumps on the bed and licks someone's ass.
How do you get an Irishman to climb up a roof? Tell him the drinks are on the house.
I became a scientist so I can discover new STDs and name them after ex girlfriends.
March Madness??? Heck, I'm Crazy All Year!!!
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Every shape I had to learn above octagon was just a total fu*king waste of time.
Facebook needs a dismember button.
Something about summertime brings out the beer guzzling Homer Simpson in me.
I wish people could listen to me when I say listening is just a waste of time 