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Not sure if FB will exist when I die, but if it does, please don't write on my wall after that, it will re- kill me if I can't answer all of your posts, and even worse, if I can't delete some of them. 
This morning's poke war just serves to reaffirm my belief that I am too pretty for prison.
A furniture for my mother in law's birthday??? Thank you honey... I think coffin just sounds right...
The workin man blues, is being wide awake before 5am on your day off.
Enough with the procrastination,, it's time now for excuses.
Lady GaGa looks like tuna in a net
Really proud of my parallel parking job. Come see it at 4350 West Elm until 8.
gonna donate blood today until the lady got all personal and started asking "Who's blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"
been making the same mistakes for so long that I've taken to just calling them "my traditions!"
Soon, an African child soldier will fire an M-16 while wearing a Lakers jersey with WORLD PEACE on the back.
I'd like to thank my attorney, my plastic surgeon and my psychiatrist.
Good friends dont let you do stupid things....alone
Keep your woman close and your cell phone closer!
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?
Limbo, Gluttony, Greed, Anger, Heresy, Violence, Fraud, Treachery - The eight circles of hell when visiting a Walmart. Lust is at Best Buy.
Smith and Johnson are the two most common last names in US. So when you go to the bar, make sure you try putting drinks on those tabs first.
Didn't Get Humped Today...Calling Bullsh!t, On Hump Day.
Don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want. Never apologize for your impeccable taste and high standards.
Why the hell do people say, "Nice to meet you" when it's their first time to meet me and I haven't had any chance to say anything? How do you know it's nice to meet me? I could be an a$$hole for all you know.
The California roll is just the pig-n-the-blanket of sushi, right? 