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Finally returning your knife. Just got it out of my back. 
Never trust a homeless guy selling homemade lemonade, just saying.
I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.
Adele might set fire to rain... But SpongeBob can make a campfire under water.
Let's all take a moment and be thankful spiders can't fly
If only the Olympics had an event that involved falling down and not spilling your drink...
Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn't trust with a Glo-Stick Day!!!
Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I'll never get to touch.
just once i'd like to see a Price Is Right contestant who is confident enough to make their own decisions
What was longer.... Kim Kardashian's marriage or theTrick-or-Treat line outside of Casey Anthony's house??
Once you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin....and muffins are healthy. Your welcome.
Nothing like a dysfunctional family trying to function for the Holidays.
Integrity is knowing that just because you can do something, it doesn't always mean that you should...
Unless I missed an international news story, the TV show "Finding Bigfoot" should probably be called "Not Finding Bigfoot"
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.
Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn.
Talk about a double standard, my 6 month old niece sneezes in someone's face and it's all "aww....how cute." I do it and suddenly it's all "what the hell is wrong with you."
Spotify is linked with Facebook so that your friends can see what you are listening to. (God help me the day Facebook connects with Google.) : ಠ_ಠ
Ran into a PETA nut while walking my dogs. He said my dogs were my slaves. Wonder if he noticed I'm the one carrying their poop in a bag? 