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BBC News: "Britons are the worst binge drinkers in Europe." - I'm sorry but I think you'll find we're actually the best. 
So what you're saying is "sexist" isn't like "perfectionist" or "saxophonist" and I should take it off the resume.
Dear Stalker: Stop looking in my windows or I'll flash you......and believe me....it's not pretty!!!
Tired apostrophes risk falling into a comma.
it would be pretty sweet if reposts came with audio set to the Price is Right Losing Horn.
Married women think I'm way too awesome to be single. Single women don't give a sh!t what married women think. Life is still stupid.
Everyone wants to wear Gucci. Not everyone wants to go out and get a job.
There comes a time when you just look at yourself in the mirror, and say"f**k it, this is as good as it's gonna get.".
I always feel tricked into exercise when I peel an orange.
Everyone hits a brick wall now and then, the trick is not to do it with your head.
I like the fact that a pie in the face only gets a ten minute meeting suspension. England runs a tight ship. Let's clean him up and resume.
You can't judge a book by its cover. I read that on a book cover. It's like a life lesson if you really think about it.
A Cougar travels 1500 miles from S Dakota only to get hit by a car in CT. Sounds like an episode of Real Housewives of NY!
Impotence: Natures way of saying "No Hard Feelings!"
Me: I'm really good at coming up with nicknames for people on the spot, mustache.
Sheen needs one more GF, then he could have Charlies Angels....I'm Sheens new PR guy. ;)
Last night was my first shift on our new neighborhood watch. Apparently I misunderstood the entire concept. What do first time offenders get on Peeping Tom charges?
I'm perfectly sane. Everyone else however is insane and trying to steal my magic bag.
People use the term "awkward conversation" like there's any other kind.
I wish that I would get a popup for "possible virus" when I meet new girls. 