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Happy Earth Day. I'm doing my part by vacuuming all of the dirt out of my car and putting it back on the ground where it belongs.
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04-22-2013 11:47 by
jrbirk
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Oh look, it's raining outside. I think I'll go on Facebook and update all my friends that don't have a window of their own.
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07-14-2012 23:09 by
BEGO
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There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.
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08-07-2012 08:52 by
Huck
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Why do hospitals need to advertise? It's not like I'm going to go to Home Depot instead.
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11-04-2012 23:30 by
peter
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I only like games where the winner gets their stomach pumped at the hospital
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11-12-2012 19:46 by
Aaron
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Unless I missed an international news story, the TV show "Finding Bigfoot" should probably be called "Not Finding Bigfoot"
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07-16-2013 17:27 by
Aaron
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My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
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08-23-2013 01:20
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When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.
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09-01-2013 15:01
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Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn.
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09-06-2013 03:22 by
Wildcat Fan
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The intellectual level of this status update has been deliberately diminished for your comprehension.
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02-06-2013 18:44 by
Aaron
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Can't wait til Feb. 15th...otherwise known as 1/2 price chocolate day.
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02-10-2013 18:27 by
K-Mac
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Just imagine for a moment, if you can, a world without hypothetical situations.
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04-02-2013 17:46 by
Aaron
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USA & Pakistan's relationship status= It's complicated
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05-04-2011 17:40 by
punkie
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Doing my taxes with a condom on. Figured I'm going to get screwed anyway, so why not be safe about it.
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01-30-2011 13:07
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Girls are like police. They never believe things without evidence.
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02-01-2011 09:57 by
Will
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Do you ever get half way through eating a horse and think to yourself, “I'm not as hungry as I thought I was.”
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02-05-2011 14:39 by
Aaron
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Despite their name, riot police don't have much of a sense of humor.
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02-19-2011 22:10
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I don't care what people think of me. It can't be half as bad as what I think of them...
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07-02-2011 08:36
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Well, I guess these tequila shots aren't going to regret themselves
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08-24-2011 15:56 by
flinnie
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Attractive female traffic cops should make it clear they are not strippers sent by your buddies BEFORE they tase me.
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09-28-2011 15:55 by
Marshall the Great
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