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North Korea is becoming like that one person on your friends list that always threatens to close their FB account from lack of attention. 
The difference between drinking on Saint Patricks Day and drinking on Cinco De Mayo is... ...nobody pretends to be a Mexican.
When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”
A morning text from me doesn't mean "good morning". It means "I'm having very dirty thoughts about you right now".
Be nice to people on your way up so they won't get suspicious when you're rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport
Holiday Recipe #64: To make the perfect holiday punch...just mix 2 bottles of ice cold Grey Goose with 10 shots of red food coloring and serve over green ice,
The cops will just throw you in the back of the squad car like they didn't even hear you call shotgun.
Dear Gas Station Owners….You're not fooling anybody, I think it's ok to get rid of the 9/10 of a penny thing…I can't ever remember saying, “ $4.00 is an OUTRAGE! But $3.99 & 9/10 is a Steal!!”
Hey West Coast, it's the East Coast. We checked it out for you, and today isn't worth getting up for. Go ahead and sleep in.
Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent-free in your head.
The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..
Move out of the way children i've been waiting 11 years to see toy story 3...
Dear long weekend: you are cordially invited to show up early for beer, good food, fun with friends and sleeping late. Please RSVP!
When Life Hands You: High Fructose Corn Syrup, Citric Acid, Ascorbic Acid, Maltodextrin, Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Magnesium Oxide, Calcium Fumaratem, Yellow #5, Natural and Artificial Flavours.....Make Lemonade!
I had a philosophy class where the only question on the final was he put his chair on his desk, and wrote on the board, "Prove to me this chair doesn't exist". I got an A because I had the best answer. I just wrote down, "What chair?". Worked like a charm
How do you make a bunch of old ladies say "F*CK!". Shout "BINGO!".
using a public restroom today and as I looked at the "posts" on the bathroom walls and the responses to each one, I realized where the idea for FB came from...
if you forgive someone, you automatically forfeit your right to constantly throw in their face reminding them of what they did.
All my years of education have boiled down to this… May I take your order?
I'm fed up of people challenging my ethics and saying I don't do enough to better the world. Even my coat is recycled, It used to be a leopard 