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Money cannot buy happiness but its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle. 
I may not be in the NBA with Lebron, but we have the same amount of Championship rings ;)
thumbs up if you drive til the gas light come on
If Hillary is elected I'm moving to Benghazi .... I'm pretty sure she will ignore me there ...
UMMM maybe we should of had stronger border restrictions
i'm not a vegetarian but I eat animals that are
127 Hours would have been better if immediately after he cut off his arm the rock shifted and landed on his foot.
Too bad you can't photoshop your ugly personality.
American Idol would be more exciting if there was a trap door contestants fell through immediately upon hearing the news of being sent home
ever felt you are just one good sh*t away from the perfect tummy??
I like my women like I like my beer.... gone when I'm finished!
Hey Prince William, I'mma let you finish and all, but we had the most historic event OF ALL TIME.
Wife : How I wish I was a newspaper so I would be in your hands all day.. Husband : Same here, I wish that you were a newspaper too so I could have a new one everyday!
Any questions asked while I am counting out scoops of coffee will be answered with louder counting.
We all know who we should blame for the war in Libya... Doc why did you steal the plutonium you mad man!!! >_<
The riots in Vancouver have taught this American a valuable lesson. That Canada is in fact a real place, and apparently flammable.
asks...the difference between my boss and the pope? The pope only expects me to kiss his ring
Considering the millions of people using Facebook... someone somewhere must be typing the same word at the same time as I am... so... JINX!
When problems are many, friends are few and spectators are plenty.
That moment of panic when after talking to someone on your cell phone you go on to badmouth them only to realise you forgot to hang up. 