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I read somewhere that when you get married, you should marry your best friend. Talk about awkward, he was already married. 
when life gives you a hundred reasons to cry,show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile!!
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
going bar hoping with Tiger Woods & Ben Roethlisberger.
I feel pretty lucky. Thousands of people die every day and it's never me.
A new poll shows that if the election was held today Mitt Romney would win against President Obama. Well after this healthcare debacle Anthony Weiner could win against Obama
I just took a poop so black, I sent an instagram of it to Kim Kardashian and she asked what team it plays for
Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance . Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Affair . Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Marriage . Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy
Bag of apples check,Bag of caramel check, Pumpkin check, Pack of razorblades check ,The look of concern on the cashiers face at walmart PRICELESS!!!
FACEBOOK + CHRISTMAS = Endless status updates reminding you what month it is. Not to mention pages and pages of people's Xmas pics.
If you watch Godzilla backwards, it's about a helpful lizard putting a city back together and leaving afterwards.
Wow! My political opinion just changed because of what you posted on Facebook” – said no one ever.
Quick question: does anyone know if the “five second rule” also applies to liquids?
NASCAR tickets: $240 Parking: $12 Refreshments: $80 Being in the front row and getting to take home a piece of the car. (imbedded in your spleen): PRICELESS
For all those gals that say, "All guys are the same": who told you to try them all..
So you want to get married when the divorce rate is 70% and get a degree when there is no guarantee that it will actually get you a job?
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I'm scared that it's closed.
I think it would be cool to actually see a great white shark before I die, just not RIGHT before.
Sometimes all you can say about a person is, "Bless their hearts." Southerners will understand what I'm talking about
I can't tell them apart, was that Milli or Vanilli doing the sign language at Madela's funeral? 