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If size doesn't matter, how come my ex's vibrator wasn't three inches long and crooked? 
All I want for Christmas is for her let me stuff her stocking with my holiday joy.
I bet Martin Luther King hit the snooze button like 40 times to try & get back to his awesome dream.
Its a disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jeans fad.
I like to listen to mexican radio but I dont know what they are singing or saying so I just pretend they are singing about how awesome I am.
I hate when I'm sitting on bleachers and Half my nutsack falls asleep!WTF
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I'm not crazy for God's taste in music.
I wonder what my dogs named me?
(•)(•)(•) Total Recall
What's next TLC...a little person that's a 600 pound tattooed Gypsy Polygamist woman wearing the wrong clothes with a family of 63 kids risking it all to return to the Amish hording ex husband and 6 ex wives to eat cakes like a boss and buy houses naked
Found a grey pubic hair today. I didn’t freak out too much but the others in the elevator looked terrified.
How come the official that handles the ball on every single play didn't notice they were under inflated??
my views on lesbian relationships? Preferably in HD.
dear State Farm, the only thing worse than your commercials is your insurance...
"What do we want?" "Hearing aids." "When do we want them?" "Hearing aids."
Seriously B EGO. You need to stop this habit of liking the smell of your own sh*t, I mean your own p 0sts.
This year for Halloween I'm handing out Carmel covered onions. Halloween is fun.
They need to make a commercial for the lottery that's all about a guy using the money for revenge.
When buying new sunglasses, always ask yourself, “Do these make me look like a Kardashian or a pedophile?”
Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet. 