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Schizophrenia beats being alone. 
-- Liking your own facebook status is like a bloke congratulating his hand after a w**k!
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Bacon is best served with a side of bacon
Dont you hate it when Madonna steals you from an african village!
In the scale of 1 to Kanye West, how interruptive are you?
Screw the economy! I got a job for you, but it blows...
Found the pot at the end of the rainbow but the Leprechaun somked it!
All bleeding stops……..eventually
was riding the escalator the other day, and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half..
Facebook killed the Myspace star.
If you havent practice your alibi in front of the mirror, you haven't been in-love.
what ever happened to blues clues? did that dog die
If you ask for my opinion, don't get upset when I give it to you.
If I ever become epileptic, I'm going to get a tattoo that reads Carpe Diem....for the irony....
The hardest part of letting go of someone you love... is the splat when they hit the ground.
Dear Diary: Facebook has replaced you.
u have twitter?-yes- facebook? -yes- tumblr? -yes- blog?-of course- life? I opened an account but I don't really use it!.
Apparently this is the letter “v” in Chinese: 维 Lets see American geese try to fly in that shape.
I just bought some "ribbed cotton tank t-shirts" at WalMart. You'd think that'd be the one place on earth they'd call them wifebeaters. 