aaron Funny Status Messages

   My first crush was in kindergarten. I knew it was doomed when she colored neatly and perfectly inside every line with a smug, superior smile.

   My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.

   The only appointments I'm ever on time for are disappointments.

   I wouldn't say I'm an alcoholic. I'd slur it.

   Found a roll of "choking hazard" stickers, so far I've plastered my pants with them.

   "Tickets." — me (when other people get on the elevator)

   Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.

   My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

   Did you hear about the two car pile-up in the Walmart parking lot? 50 Mexicans died

   "That's what." -She

   Just learned how to cut and paste! Just learned how to cut and paste! Just learned how to cut and paste!

   Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].

   I know karate, kung fu, tae kwon do, jujitsu, and 27 other dangerous words.

   I opened our windows to get some fresh air in the house and now the neighbors are wondering why the whole block stinks

   Every time I get dressed I make sure I take a second to ask myself, "How will this look stepping out of a time machine?"

   It would be very helpful to me if the rest of you would please stop striving for excellence. Thanks!

   And don't even get me started on statements with no context.

   Just helped an elderly man cross the street by honking my horn repeatedly

   Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.

   Play Closing Time at my funeral because it's likely I died trying to change the radio station when it came on.