Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   I dont know who is more embarrassed....me stopping at a yard sale that isnt a yard sale or the person whose place looks like theres a garage sale.

   Me and my bed are in a committed relationship, I think my alarm clock is just jealous of our love.

   Sitting here with Google open, and now I can't remember what I didn't know.

   I'm not sure about you, but when someone tells me I look familiar, I immediately start to panic.

   The only thing worse than the truth are the lies that are told to cover it up.

   There's few things more satisfying than putting eletrical tape over the sensors of automatic doors and watching people walk right into them.....muhahahahaha

   At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.

   Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself. Moral of the story: in life no one helps you once you're f*cked.

   Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?

   The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren't going to see me 7 more times before then.

   Happiness is a cop car turning his lights on behind you and immediately going past you.

   Facebook needs to add a maybe button for friend requests, some people deserve to wait for a decision to be made.

   If you're happy and you know it, share your meds.

   If Facebook shutdown people would be in tears, shoving pictures of themselves in other people's faces yelling "DO YOU LIKE THIS?! DO YOU?!"

   When your ex asks if you can still be friends right after a break up it's the same thing as having a kidnapper tell you to keep in touch.

   Yield signs should just be a picture of a dude shrugging his shoulders.

   Don't dwell on your past, disappointments, or failures, you can't trip on something behind you.

   Yeah, I felt bad rejecting her friend request on Facebook, but come on! Isn't it enough that I'm in a relationship with her? Now I got to be her friend too?

   Just received a text from my wife saying, "You're a childish prick sometimes." I was so annoyed. I thought I'd hidden her phone really well this time. :(

   One day, the fridge will take revenge on me,.. Every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes and then walk away.