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Saw a girl at Starbucks with a duck face. Felt bad because I left my bread crumbs at home. 
I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.
A black guy with a parrot on his shoudler walks into a bar. So they go to the bar to order a drink and the bartender goes 'hey thats cool where did you get one of those?' So the parrot goes 'oh there's millions of them in Africa.'
So Paul Walker was cremated... I hate to point out the obvious...
Hello? Yes, I would like to cancel those vacation plans to beautiful Ferguson, MO.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.
thinks the future isn't quite what it used to be
damn woman...you are like the herpes of drunk texting...you never go away.
on the positive side, somewhere in a third world country people now have these sweet Pittsburgh steelers Superbowl champions shirts and hats to wear!!
Maybe she's born with it... Maybe it's Maybelline. Or maybe it's Photoshop
Guy's Remember : While You're Sitting There All Day Playing Call Of Duty , Your Girl Is Calling Someone Else To Come And Do Your Duty .
...just heard that Tampax is replacing the strings with tinsel this month. ...Ladies, get them soon, supplies only last for the the Christmas period!
If abortion is murder, aren't comdoms kidnapping?
The reason you can't go back afrer going black is because none of them have a car to take you back or a job to buy gas.
the reason Santa even has a naughty list!!!!!
My view on gun control. The criminal is the cheetah and the average U.S. citizen is the antelope. The cheetah will always be there to attack the antelope. Stripping the antelope of its horns will not solve the problem. It makes it defenseless.
Bacon is bacon; eggs is eggs; dont let them boys between your legs; they'll say your cute; they'll say your fine; 9 months later they'll say it ain't mine
Go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby. He'd be so freaked out that a baby is trying to murder him, you'll have the element of surprise.
The PopeMobile: Because Nothing says "I have faith in God" like 4 inches of bulletproof glass.
by the power vested in me, I know pronounce you ... Blocked & Deleted. You may now kiss my @ss 