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How do Mexicans take a family portrait?They all jam into the front seat and run a red light. 
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
in court her imaginary friend filed a restraining order against her
Million Dollar Idea: A pot pie. Only bigger. And filled instead with fruit. Apples perhaps.
I have 14 friends that liked Lil Wayne. I should delete you all.
You were a straight-A student, on the honor roll, well-behaved all throughout your school years.......Now today you're wondering why you're unemployed and struggling. Do you still believe in the system "they" taught you since you were a child??
Hey? Islamis radicals..if your God tells you to kill people..please start with your self. Thanks real Americans!!
has just got back from the future...........You wouldn't believe how many blades they have on razors!
a fart is merely the cry of an imprisoned turd
Obama comes out smelling like a rose either way with the fiscal cliff thing. If it passes, he takes credit and if it doesn't, he'll just blame the Republicans
No, you may not "axe" me a question. I don't speak welfare.
#Tebow will be the first person in history to leave the mile-high club a virgin.
Bacon pie crust. Does that exist? Because if it doesn't I think I'm going to be a millionaire.
In the Czech Republic abortions are known as cancelled Czechs
Don't be sad, don't be blue, frankenstein was ugly too!
- My missus was so sick this morning........That I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast....
you may bang hundreds of girls,but your heart belongs to one girl only....so keep banging till you find her.
Why Yes Officer...I did see the Speed Limit sign...I just didn't see YOUR car!
With great power comes a great electric bill.
Two women are sitting in church. One leans over and whispers to the other, "My butt is going to sleep". The other replies, "I know, I've heard it snore three times" 