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Only when they're in a fix and in need your help do they come to you all sweet and humble. I won't buy that sh*t. Fu*k you and your problems. 
Middle finger up... Cause I dont give a fu**!
Why is it so hard to find information without paying for it? but I can google Kevin Bacon, Justin Bieber and that OctoMom for free?!? AH
The power of Friday compels you! The power of Friday compels you!
Dear Math, Stop asking us to find your x. She's not coming back. You're so annoying! Now we know why she left you. Sincerely, Students.
Where am I going? and why am I in this handbasket?
just got kicked out of JG Wentworth for marching in and demanding my money NOW!
slept like an aircraft controller.
People think smoking is hard to quit......but new statistics show that it aint s#it compared to quitting Facebook
Procrasturbate: Putting off doing something more important for something more "exciting"
Psychology experiment: Pull you head back, now pretend to shake salt from an imaginary salt shaker in your mouth, you'll taste salt!
Don't you just hate it when 9 year olds have a better phone than you.. it's like, who are you gonna call kid? Elmo??
Take a hint: you don't look cool peeling out of a parking lot. You aren't a professional drag racer and it's f'n annoying. Now go buy some new tires.
if she is wearing silly bands she is too young for you Bro!
The best way to get your teenage son to roll his eyes is show him your "Jedi Powers" by waving your hand in front of the automatic doors at Target.
When I broke up with my ex girlfriend she threatened to kill herself. One year later she got married. Close enough.
New game. We go out and get like 20 Tazers and play Tazer tag.
Since when does "I'm wanking" sound like "come in"
FACT: If you don't ask for butter on your toast but the waitress brings it anyway God won't let the cholesterol harm you.
I've been told I speak fluent sexual innuendo. 