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I'm thinking of doing a butter sculpture of a stick of butter. I hope nobody has done that one yet. 
My wife always gets the last word in on any argument...anything I say afterwards is the beginning of a new one
Look to the left, now look to the right..... I just virtually slapped you.
the WNBA season starts Saturday. In related news, no one gives a $hit...
If you're reading this and you're under 12 years old... Don't grow up, it's a f*cking trap.
Subway should be taken to court. They force their male employees to make sandwiches for other people and that is clearly sexist.
10 yrs from now: Dad, how'd you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic, so I had to friend request that...
I'm probably not the first person to notice, but the plots of "Finding Nemo" and "Taken" are virtually identical.
Went to Micky D's today and ordered the fish sandwich and for the first time ever the cheese was squarely on the sandwich.....almost brought a tear to my eye.
NFL: "Madonna's message of 'world peace' does not reflect the views of the National Football League"
Saw one of those electric cars zip by me the othee day. Finally its starting to look like The Jetsons around here!
I predict you'll be seeing a lot more people using pogo sticks, thanks to these gas prices
I need a pity pity bang bang
I spent most of my money on beer and women, the rest I just wasted.
Appreciate the good people God gave you because he will take them back one day.
Nothing good ever comes from getting involved with the girl who can play pool incredibly well when she's drunk.
Theres no manly way to say.. "Honey can you pass me my Girl Scout Cookies?"
Top dating profile qualities: 1. I kill spiders 2. I do push ups with my tongue
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas, no joke. My day doesn't seem so bad now.
Samsung won't stop until they create a TV so curved it watches itself. 