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I've just been fired from my job working on the Pakistani Flood's Crisis Hotline. Apparently telling callers to relax and "go with the flow" was not appropriate. 
I have found that the best stress reliever in life is not giving a crap.
I'm a fruit loop in a world of cheerios.
I pay a lot of money to get that vanilla/coco butter smell in my car. I want hookers to feel welcome, not like they're stepping into a death trap.
wants to remind you this Halloween, that as a general rule, don't solve riddles that open portals to Hell
I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to
Its funny how the Simpsons have been around for 21 years and they haven't aged a bit.
Twenty shootings in Chicago over the weekend. Sure signs that nothing has changed in Chicago despite the pandemic.
Had that dream again last night where the GEICO lizard makes me hold his legs down while he does sit-ups.
*Yawn* oh no… keep talking… I always YAWN when I'm interested….:)
Was at Home Depot last night and I saw two Southwest Pilots looking for roofing material ....this can't be good!!
I just sneezed so hard I think I opened a time portal.
Conscience is that inner voice which warns us that someone may be looking.
AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
This unicorn sitting next to me is saying that I drank too much.
Vegeterian- ancient tribal name for man that can't hunt.
Its up to you if you want to sneak your IPod into a meeting. Just don't do an air drum solo. It gives you away.
dont you hate it when you grab the last Capri Sun pouch and theres no straw to attached it with
Its been 8 minutes since anyone has posted anything new... What r you b*tches planning and why wasnt I invited...
Lindsay Lohan? Uhh, throw her in prison for the next 3 years, see if we care. 