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I only have sex on days that begin with "T". Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday and Thunday. 
"Yes, black guys. We feel you." - fat white girls
kids that stutter can blame their moms for using a vibrator while they were pregnant
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down… You have my word
My gf says her doctor said no sex for 2 weeks ..ahh oh k but what your dentist say..!
♫♫♫ If.. yourrrr happy and you know it share you meds. (clap, clap) If your happy and you know it share you meds. (clap, clap) If your happy and you know it then a pi$$ test will clearly show it. If your happy and you know it share you meds. ♫♫â
Every other countries policy: you don't work, you don't eat! USA policy: you work, you don't eat!
WARNING: if you see posts offering free clip of the new Nickelback album DO NOT CLICK. It links to a free clip of the new Nickelback album.
How much for the frog? No, that one.... No, THAT one. Goddammit, how much for the frog, that one with the tail?... Well excuse me! How much for the lizard then
why test on animals when we have pedofiles in prison.
"If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?"
may contain traces of nuts.
Thinks Women are like scratch-off tickets… There fun to do, ….. Most of the time they turn out to be losers, …. If your lucky you'll get a winner, ……. And in the end you spend more than you get!
walked past the fridge last night and thought she heard two onions singing a Bee Gees song but when she opened the fridge door it was just chives talking.
looking at the NFL schedule, the NFL needs to change who plays the Thanksgiving game. It should be Patriots vs. Redskins in Washington. Then, after the game, the Patriots kill the Redskins and take their stadium away from them...
My Best Relationship Advice: Make Sure You're the Crazy One...
When is it a good time to mention the Easter holiday tradition of eggs and bunny rabbits are pagan fertility symbols and the words Easter, Easter Bunny, or Easter Egg appear nowhere in the Bible? Not this weekend then?.....
condoms please; --need a bag?; --no need, this time she's not that ugly
Happy Birthday Girlfrien. I didn't put the D because you'll get that later.
Nicki Minaj being a judge on American Idol is like Taylor Swift giving relationship advice. 