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Felt something cold and wet on my arm, damn mosquito used an alcohol wipe before he bit me. 
Having some states lockdown, and some states not lockdown is like having a peeing section in the pool.
Everyone here is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
This social distancing is stressing out the flat-earthers I’m afraid it may push them over the edge!
Since it is actually impossible to know which part of my life is the middle, I've decided to have a on-going crisis.
Beavers don't go to heaven. In the afterlife they are sent to eternal dam nation.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
I don’t buy the dinosaur chicken nuggets because they’ve already been through enough already.
"The system is rigged." --Bernie Sanders after losing at Monopoly
I'm not sure if there's anything sadder than watching someone eat Sonic in their car by themselves.
How many points do I get if I hit a Pokemon Go player with my car?
My dog ate out of the garbage, sniffed himself, threw up and fell asleep in the kitchen. Think he's mocking me when I drink.
I bet Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses are the highest level Pokémon Go players.
Don't worry. There will be a time in your life, too, when the phrase "Get up and go" takes on a whole new meaning....
I just got offered a great deal from Vodafone. A new Samsung phone and a free fire extinguisher.
Of all the terrible ways to be woken up I think, “mommy, my fart is on the floor,” takes the cake.
I like having fraud protection on my credit cards but it’s a little insulting to receive an alert just because I bought name-brand toilet paper.
Either I just stepped in dog sh*t or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
When you use the self-service checkout lanes at Wal-mart, you should get a discount like you do when you buy self-service gasoline.
Never forget your family... they're the real enemies. 