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If you see an animal stuck in a trap, free them! If you see a child crying, comfort them! If you see Justin Bieber crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!!! 
Today is "Deflategate's" own Tom Brady's 40th birthday. Now that he's hit 40, footballs are not the only thing he'll have to worry about inflating.
There's no way EVERYBODY was kung fu fighting. You know there was at least one guy hiding in a corner thinking "Man, I don't want none of this."
A vulture with two dead raccoons tried to board a plane. The flight attendant said "Sorry Sir, only one carrion allowed."
They say that Kim Jong Un is starving his people because he's using all the money to create nuclear weapons. It's more like he's starving the people because he's eating all of the food.
Ever noticed that some english speaking tv stations has SAP in spanish for the latino viewers. But spanish speaking tv stations does not have SAP in english for the english speaking viewers.
I hate it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party! Besides, my dog is receiving his First Communion that day....
I didn't mean to gain weight...It was a snacident!
Think I'm going to ride a cow to work tomorrow .. trigger sum folks
I am addicted to buying old Beatles' albums. Does anyone know where I can get Help?
My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance. Yeah, well we'll see about that.
Ugh!! My wife sent me to Walmart to get feminine products and I’ve been walking around for 45 mins...I’m starting to think Wal-Mart doesn’t sell mops....
Parents with Antifa shirts should not worry about if their child gets laughed at about climate change
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Spent too much money over Christmas so tonight I'm going to party like its $19.99
A big difference between men and women I've found during my 60 years of living is that if a woman says 'smell this' it's likely to smell nice.
Remember to double check lawn signs during the election primaries. I just tried to vote for a real estate agent...
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks. I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I occasionally enjoy having my steak undercooked.. but that’s rare.
I'm such a procrastinator, I'm just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus. 