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♫♪♫ If you're happy and you know it's your meds ♫♪♫ 
Sea gulls are like the Kardashian sisters; if they weren't so frickin' annoying they would actually seem quite beautiful.
Red Bull and Vodka. Because you want to be wide awake for this mistake.
The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
I'm just looking for a nice high maintenance girl who uses the dogface on snapchat, takes tons of selfies, and listens to Taylor Swift.
Fact: Hell is wallpapered with all your deleted selfies.
Why is the speed limit in a school zone 15 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles.
Out of all the emotions, my favoritte would have to be "buzzed".
The brighter colord vegetables you buy, the more festive they look in your garbage when you throw them away 2 weeks later.
If there is one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk, its up.
I don't wanna make this weird but that's just kinda how I do things.
What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.
The saying goes "If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all."....Well I guess today will be another silent day for me.
Hey CHOP, try spelling lessons for lent. . .
Maybe that plane doesn't want to be found, have you ever think about that?
My heart says yes but my wife says no!
Yes tell everyone who cares to listen about how Monday sucks so we all know what a bore you are.
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pri.ck
If you don't take 500 selfies a day, do you even love yourself?
Nothing has ever bothered me more than when a math question ended with “how many people does it take?” and your answer had a fraction. 