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Some people call me insensitive, but that's not true. I have an emotion: I feel sorry for the millions of pathetic losers who walk around like sheep waiting to be shorn. 
I can't wait to be rich so I can price things from high to low instead of low to high on Ebay.
Who are you going to believe - me, a husband and father with no criminal record, or some fancy HD security footage from Victoria's Secret?
when I catch a spider in the house, I tie him up and waterboard him. Then I throw him outside so he can tell his friends not to fu<k with me.
I hate it when I'm trying to make money and someone greases the stripper pole.
HOW TO TWERK.... STEP 1.....Reconsider...
Today in 1992, Rodney King said, "Can we all get along?" SPOILER ALERT: We can't.
If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
The best part about work is leaving.
I'm ready to get lost on vacation somewhere Sean Penn wont even be able to find me.
Dear justin beiber haters Please respect him.. I owe my life to him last year I was in a coma for 4 months due to a terrible car accident.. One day my nurse turned on the radio to Justin's song...I got up and turned off the radio
The greatest feeling in the world is when your girlfriend tells you, you're better in bed than her husband. . .
Just gonna wait until this police sketch artist realizes I'm describing him.
Last I heard, my guardian angel was in the ER with alcohol poisoning.
Listen,,, Anything can be cereal, if you have enough milk.
Don't worry about walking a mile in my shoes. Just try spending a day thinking in my head.
This tequila tastes like my ex wants me to text her.
At what point during my neighbors sob story about losing her job do I mention I only have 2% battery life?
Every woman has a psycho gene inside her. It just takes the right mix of alcohol and man to bring it out.
Hi can you fill this prescription please? Sir this is just a post-it note with 'give me the good stuff' written on it. 