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A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly. 
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I'm so glad I'm not a crazy person.
If a really fat man grabs you and throws you in a bag don't panic its just santa collecting his ho's.I'm txtn you fm the bag.Bring alcohol! Thanks
Dude instead of all these credit card companies sending me all these applications they should donate the paper to schools or something!
Its so humid I don't need to drink water I can breath it.
thinks rap promotes punching, boastfulness, and disrespect toward ho's.
I think if I were to stop suddenly... my son would find himself lodged somewhere in my colon.
if you're dressing up like Snooki tonight, allow me to help by rubbing Doritos all over you first ;)
Mosquitoes remind us that we are not as high up on the food chain as we think.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
ummmm...nothin like wild turkey for thanksgiving.
Am I the only one who thinks that they should be a bracket style tournament for the gangs on Gangland? I would definitely put the DVR to some good use. .
Anything is possible with the right attitude and sledgehammer.
has just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I'm still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself.
Have you ever heard of the Legend of Hillary Rodham Hood? ..... She steals from everybody and keeps for herself.
Nothing like a woman with a brilliant mind and a filthy mouth.
Once a girl says your are like a brother to me, then you know you aint never hitting it.
Nicolas Cage stars in the movie 'Stolen', in which he frantically searches for his missing daughter, who has been kidnapped. The producers originally had a different name for the film, but it was already Taken.
As soon as the regular officials screw up a call, we will be booing them. I wish we paid am much attention to the presidential election as we did the nfl refs.
I was just charged 8 dollars for a grilled cheese sandwich. I blew my rape whistle in the waiters face. 