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I don't get why women spend so much money on sunglasses...it would be way cheaper just tinting the kitchen window 
treat your woman like a vacuum cleaner, if she stops sucking, replace the bag
Today is the 2nd day of the rest of your life. Yep, yesterday was the 1st day and you totally wasted it didn't you.
i haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
The most confusing day in the ghetto is Fathers Day
Some girls needs to stop freaking out about being called "dude". Just keep calm, it's basically a unisex term
I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my ass
I got kicked out the pool today,apperently the breaststroke isn't what I thought it was
I walk into the 7/11, and the female clerk says, "You look JUST like my fourth husband!" I said, "Really...you've been married four times?' She goes, "No. Three."
Love 'em or hate 'em, you have to admit, Beyonce' and J-Lo never do anything half-assed.
If you are a woman and you dont like or enjoy sex, please tell me right away before I invest my feelings and money in you. What I am really looking for is a proud nympho.
For sale. One Afghan bed, no longer required as owner has gone to sea. Looks new but it has bin laid in.
Happy "Steak and BJ Day". I'll take both well done.
You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.
4th of July on a Wednesday? That's so Ghetto...
The funniest thing about the Darth Vader kid car commerical was that the parents thought they started the car.
This could turn out to be one hell of an April Fools joke if Malaysia Airlines pulls it off...
I like to reward myself for getting up on time by laying in bed for another 20 minutes.
The Ark, Day 1,,,, NOAH: OK, lions, you're in L CARGO,,, bears, you're in B CARGO,,, and snails, you're in S CARGO....
Fact: African Americans make up 13.3% of the US population. Fact African Americans make up 70% of the NFL. Fact: Average NFL Salary: $1.9 million. And these are the guys protesting "Oppression"? 