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A weekend wasted isn't a wasted weekend. 
Ahhhh nothing like a cigarette and kicking back with your feet up after a rigerous workout with the Shake Weight
Does TSA make housecalls?...or did I just get scammed?!
Can you imagine how hard it was to check the blindspots on the left side if the Millennium Falcon?
Oooooooo the Patron.....yesterday my friend, today my enemy...
WOW! I've just seen who STALKS me on Facebook! You can too! = You just got hacked sucka!!
only dead fish go with the flow!
"What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.", huh. Hence the zombie apocalypse.....
Burglars broke into Kanye West's home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
i think my Facebook friends are starting to think somethings up.. just not the same funny site..
My new 401k is just a pre-loaded gift card for Olde Country Buffet.. "Pretty smart, going with a buffet-style retirement plan" said my Schwab investment advisor.
In America, dating for men is a chore, for women it's a choice.
Your beer goggles say she's a 9, but my BROnoculars say she's a 3.
I like big chested women. And pirates.
I'm doing the dance of joy. Which for me is walking to the fridge for another beer and walking back to my recliner. Oh joy!
Me and all my old pals all reconnected over some beers last night! ...Besides, that AA meeting really made us all thirsty.
I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
Texting 'LOL' is probably the most widespread lie of the 21st century.
Some relationships are like birthday cakes...Once the 'cake' has been eaten the party is over.
Whoever says laughter is the best medicine obviously never heard of a great joke while suffering diarrhoea 