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If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don't look in a mirror, have a child draw you. 
Like a good neighbor, stay over there
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.
organizing a flash mob at my place, Thursday 3pm. Bring lawnmowers.
The other day someone was telling me that they make ice cubes out of left over wine. I was confused. What's left over wine?
If you see a animal stuck in a trap, free them. If you see a child crying, comfort them. If you see the Jersey Shore cast crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!
I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
I would pay good money to see the mayhem guy from Allstate hook up with Flo from Progressive.
How am I supposed to be inpressed by a computer winning at Jeopardy when Google usually knows what I'm looking for after 2 letters?
My therapist says I have an obsession with revenge. We'll see about that..
God. I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
I tried to log in on my iPad. Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don't own an iPad. Also, I'm out of vodka.
I thought about going out tonight but am too lazy to take a shower and clean up. Times like this, make me wish Walmart had a bar.
Bad decisions make good stories
"Hi, Welcome to Abercrombie. Our sizes are; Small, X Small, Anorexic, Bulemic, and Malnourished."
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
Just been watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there's already been a wrist injury...but I should be ok by friday;)
Billion Dollar Idea: A condom that changes color when it comes in contact with an STD.
Baby Shirt Idea: Did 9 months in solitary confinement
I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I'm not a shopaholic. 