Funny Status Messages

   The other day someone was telling me that they make ice cubes out of left over wine. I was confused. What's left over wine?

   I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.

   If you see a animal stuck in a trap, free them. If you see a child crying, comfort them. If you see the Jersey Shore cast crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!

   I would pay good money to see the mayhem guy from Allstate hook up with Flo from Progressive.

   wondering if the US Government gets the irony of trying to pass laws that limits their own citizens access on the internet whilst at the same time criticizing the governments of China & Iran for doing the same thing.

   How am I supposed to be inpressed by a computer winning at Jeopardy when Google usually knows what I'm looking for after 2 letters?

   My therapist says I have an obsession with revenge. We'll see about that..

   God. I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.

   I tried to log in on my iPad. Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don't own an iPad.  Also, I'm out of vodka.

   I thought about going out tonight but am too lazy to take a shower and clean up. Times like this, make me wish Walmart had a bar.

   Bad decisions make good stories

   "Hi, Welcome to Abercrombie. Our sizes are; Small, X Small, Anorexic, Bulemic, and Malnourished."

   To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.

   Just been watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there's already been a wrist injury...but I should be ok by friday;)

   Billion Dollar Idea: A condom that changes color when it comes in contact with an STD.

   Dear Taliban, When you shoot a kid in the head for wanting an education and she doesn't die, how can you be sure that God is on your side?

   Baby Shirt Idea: Did 9 months in solitary confinement

   I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I'm not a shopaholic.

   I'm never sure what to do with my eyes when I'm at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling? What's the proper etiquette here?

   Girlfriend texted me, "I have tried my best to make this relationship work but I seem to be the only one trying. So I have decided to break up with you and move on with my life. Can you delete my number and never contact me." I replied, "Who's this?"