lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   Lady Gaga admitted that she does cocaine. Not really surprising news. What is surprising? She snorts it off her penis.

   I bought a cheese grater for Stevie Wonder. He said it was the most violent book he's ever read.

   wondering what the weather's like in India. I think i'll call my bank.

   A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.

   Alcohol was my dad's answer to everything. He didn't drink. He was just lousy at quizzes.

   Anything you say will be held against you. "Tit".

   Just a guess, but I'm suspecting if the Cancer Society held drinkathons instead of walkathons, we'd have a cure by now

   If you think things improve with age, attend a class reunion.

   Where there's smoke, the possibility exists I might be cooking...

   Facebook isn't better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble

   There's a time and place for everything. It's called college.

   Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

   May your troubles last as long as your New Years Resolutions!

   I smile because I don't know what's going on.

   The reason I watch crime documentaries on drug smugglers is to look for new ways to sneak a bag of Doritos into the house.

   Why do repairmen never have the part they need to fix something and say they'll come back in a few days when they get it? It's like a cop showing up to arrest someone and saying "Oh sorry. Looks like I'll need handcuffs. I'll be back in few days with them

   The FDA says that airline food is often prepared in unsafe and unsanitary conditions. Otherwise known as "airplanes".

   Coke dealers. Always sticking their business in other people's noses.

   Apparently each year, more people get killed by donkeys than in aeroplane crashes.So to summarize, if you ever see a donkey on an aeroplane, you're in f*cking trouble.

   ..can't wait for a nice English summer. The warmth,the sun,the clear blue skies..it will be a nice couple of days...