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I flashed my full set of teeth at Walmart earlier this morning & I'm still here signing autographs and posing for pictures 
Nothing worse than meeting the right person at the wrong time in your life.
i better have a baby soon before my Mom gets too old to raise it for me
They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
WHY DO OLD PEOPLE DRIVE LIKE THEY GOT ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD, BUT YOUNG PEOPLE DRIVE LIKE THEIR DAYS ARE LIMITED....?
If you're not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
If history repeats itself, I'm totally getting a dinosaur.
just stopped at Radio Shack to get something and the kid behind the counter asked me for my phone number and zip code. I told him 867-5309 and zip 90210. He never even questioned it.
I was eating Oreos, and I was dunking one in milk and the cookie broke and sank to the bottom. So now I'm just sitting here, staring at the glass and wondering why bad things happen to good people.
Admit it, atleast once in our life, we all have tried to balance the light switch in between the on and off position
Some people wait their entire life for their ship to come in, not realizing that they are standing in an airport..
I hate people that say " He's a nice person once you get to know him." They might as well just say " He's a dickhead, but you'll get used to it."
Thinks that Facebook should change the status question from "What's on your mind?" to "What's your problem today?"
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
I was on a plane today. The stewardess said, "would you like some headphones?" I said, "sure, but how did you know my name was Phones?"
I Dont Care If You're A Gangster, Pull Up Your Pants Please!
says the sad part of being strong is that nobody bothers to ask when you're hurt.
Better days are coming. They're called Saturday and Sunday.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway
Please don't say "Firecracker". It's very offensive. It is a Fire Caucasian. Thank you. 