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My thesaurus can beat up your vocabulary's ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk. 
"Fidget Spinners are so dumb pointless." -The generation that purchased over 5 million Pet Rocks.
Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow's ass
I was just cursing the bag boy at the grocery store for leaving out my Reece's cups and then I remembered I used self-checkout.
Apologizing does not always mean you are wrong.
It just means that you value your relationships more than your ego.
Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don't like almonds, I like salt...
It looks like everyone wants Jon Snow to play NFL...he wont bend a knee
Hugh Heffner...the only person who we can truly say is not in a better place now...
Bruce Willis to return for Die Hard 6. Working titles are "Die Hard: Speak Up Please" and "Die Hard: When I was your age"
I'am a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that's the truth.
A spelling bee sounds like a horrifying creature that bellows out words and then stings you when you get one wrong.
If I wanted human interaction i'd take my headphones off during this date.
Why is it the people who say they thrive on chaos seem to be the ones causing it?
It took years for my wife to get me to put down the toilet seat. In retrospect, I really don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
And then there was the cannibal who passed his neighbor in the woods.
He floated like a butterfly and stung like a bee......Happy Birthday.....to the LEGENDARY Man Muhammad Ali
I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin' spoon!"
Double negatives are a no-no.
If your full name was Elongated Musketeer then you would probably shorten it, too
I always carry a flute with me in case I see deer or rabbits frolicking in a sunny meadow. 